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Written By Vice | Adam Rothbarth
This German wine goes through a de-alcoholization process, so you can go H.A.M. without the hangover (and Taco Bell wrappers).
These days, there’s a high demand for mid-quality, wellness-inspired replicas of things we previously enjoyed. “Healthy” Oreo alternatives that don’t have any sugar? They exist (and they taste like cardboard). “Clean” tequila made by suburban ladies for whom actual tequila is simply too powerful? It’s out there. This glut of goods can make finding the actually tasty fake stuff even more difficult. But don’t worry, it’s out there—you just have to search for it a bit.
Non-alcoholic beer and wine has really come of age lately. Sure, there’s still a ton of horrible beverages out there, but, on the whole, if you hit up a good restaurant or decent liquor store these days, you’re bound to find some excellent options. We’re big fans of Athletic Brewing Co.’s beers, think Ghia makes a pretty good Campari spritz knockoff, and find that Proxies scratches a certain itch when we’re only ready to commit to “alternative wine.” That said, our collective sonar lit the hell up when we heard about a new, actually-N/A wine aiming to be the best in the game.
Enter Kolonne Null, a winemaking brand from Berlin with a name we can’t pronounce but which has apparently solved the mystery of making delicious, alcohol-free wine. Scientists have pondered how to make the perfect non-alcoholic wine for millennia, presumably ever since the first caveman took his first massive swig of moldy grapes and went H.A.M. at the (caveman version of a) Taco Bell drive-thru. According to the winemakers, their process of fermenting actual wine grapes and then putting them “through a de-alcoholization process” still lets them “preserve the varietal aroma.” (That’s sommelier language for “it still tastes normal.”) What’s more, Kolonne Null’s wine is vegan, less than 0.5% ABV, and is apparently safe for pregnant people.
The brand’s wine is available through Boisson, and a number of options already exist. Fans of sparkling wine can enjoy a magnum (wine vernacular for “a huge fuckin’ bottle”) of the Cuvée Blanc No. 1, which is said to have notes of “yellow fruit of pear and mirabelle, rounded off with a touch of typical brioche notes.” There’s also a bundle that features a sparkling wine, a red, a riesling, a sparkling rose, a regular rose, and a silvaner. As if that wasn’t enough, tasting all six of Kolonne Null’s N/A wines will earn you the respect of your friends and the temporary attention of the next sommelier or wine shop attendant you encounter.
P.S. Anderson Cooper called and said he’d love it if you opened a magnum of Cuvée Blanc No. 1 on New Year’s Eve.
Check out Kolonne Null’s N/A wines at Boisson.
Written By Vice | Adam Rothbarth
